Disclaimer (for legal reasons, and for those of you who can’t understand that this article is satire): this article is a joke. 

Ramaz kids and food, what more can I say? What is high school if not a large group of teenagers surrounding a box of Saba’s pizza and, as nature intended, fighting for the last slice? Drop a box in the middle of a Ramaz class and wait and see as National Geographic comes alive. Who needs gorillas when you have sophomore boys? When asked for comment, Ms. Brachot, Sophomore Dean and Head of the Science Department, said that the boy’s behavior is “curious” and was “asking around the department if any faculty member was interested in researching it.” Sadly, there were no takers, but maybe one auspicious Hitlavout scholar will take it up. 

Rabbi Albo has decided to do weekly tisches instead of a regular period after having kids come late to his Honors Talmud class due to the long lines for Ramaz’s famous Friday pizza. 

“Hey chabibi, if you can’t beat them, join them, and who am I to get in the way of man and his pizza?” the rabbi said, shrugging in acceptance. 

Amiel Low ’24, a student who is famous for not being able to live without his weekly dose and a big advocate for the plan, is thrilled. “It’s really the best of both worlds, some singing for Shabbos filled with food. I feel like I accomplished something great; now I know how it feels to be a member of SFAC. We are really moving things forward. Mr. Elisha always appreciates my singing in the middle of class, and I’m happy to spread the love.” 

This tisch is one of many that happen on Fridays. Rabbi Weisers’ is always as exciting and energetic as his personality, and a women’s tisch run by Ms. Krupa, Ms. Gedwiser, and Ms. Benus has also begun. Some faculty have wondered if students are going for their love of Torah or the food. 

“A Tisch is food, and food is the happening at Tisches,”  this notion, according to Ms. Benus, makes it difficult to tell if students are going just to fill their bellies. “I’ve noticed students going Tisch hopping; they go into 202 to get some treats and walk up to four for some pizza. The mixture of cultures is great, but I’m not sure if kids are going for the added learning.” In many ways, this statement was ironic since, while interviewed, Ms. Benus was going from her own Friday tisch to Rabbi Albo’s. “I like Sephardic food too, and I’m not saying I don’t do it,” she admitted. 

In a recent student survey, when asked to think of the first word that came to their mind when they heard “tisch,” 60 percent of students said “food,” 20 percent said “Rabbi Weiser,” and 10 percent said “learning.” We salute the five senior boys part of the morning learning chat who answered correctly. 

Mishmar is also back, ripe with Torah and Holy Schnitzel. As always, 201 is packed with students eager to get their extra daily dose, as long as refreshments are provided, of course. It has been noted by administrators and kids alike that the number of attendees is disproportionately higher when the Mishmar Schoology post by Rabbi Segal adds “dinner will be served!” Ashley Behm ’24, a student on her 9th Mishmar point, agreed with this point. “After a long day, what more could a student want? All I will say is that food doesn’t deter anyone. In fact, the opposite is true.”

The vending machines, always stocked full of water bottles and yellow Gatorade (although Snapple is always somehow missing), help paint a picture of the student body’s love of paying for stuff that’s actually free. Alas, if we had enough energy to walk to the cafeteria or the 6th floor office to ask for a cup of water. But, as true Ramaz kids, we’d instead take the easy way out and pay for convenience. A plague has swept through the machines: items are sold out by homeroom on Monday. Namely, snickers and Peanut M&Ms; it’s as if Ramaz students don’t want to take advantage of the free cereal. At the beginning of school in the mornings, a coffee station was set up “for the teachers.” However, early-bird students also took advantage of the station, causing it to be revoked, teaching us the important lesson that when things are for teachers, it’s referring to school teachers and not your friend who stayed up teaching you a month’s worth of math ’till 2 am before the test that day. Although many would argue, they put in the same amount of work. 

With COVID-19 regulations on food all but gone, Ramaz’s cookies and treats are back in full swing and all, but the sanitation crew is thrilled. These elements provide incentives to students throughout the day and add a fun point to classes. Let’s just hope we don’t all get tummy aches afterward. Seven flights of stairs and five pieces of pizza are a disaster for anyone.