Ramaz. How do you even begin to describe Ramaz? Well, dear reader, I have some answers to that. Ramaz is an elite institution, the crown jewel of Jewish schools, the pearl of the Upper East Side oyster, and I could go on forever, dear reader. My point: Ramaz is a highly respectable establishment, with even higher standards. Standards that its students are unfortunately not meeting, ever slipping as the years go by. But whether or not you blame the administration, the parent body, or the students themselves, there is one thing that cannot be denied: Ramaz has impeccable taste. If there is one thing Ramaz prides itself on, it’s its appearance. And we, the students, represent that. We are the face of the brand, and as such, it is our responsibility to look our very best. Sadly, however, our “best foot forward” has been falling farther and farther behind us. It’s all been going to Gehinnom since they got rid of the tie rule. But now, Ramaz is determined to regain its former glory. It started with the hoodie ban and the expensive ugly skirt rule, and now, they have instituted a far more drastic measure that has caused extreme indignation.

At precisely 10:08 AM, on a blustery, bitter day that will go down in history, the entire junior grade was called to the Beit Knesset for an announcement that was met with outrage. So, just a usual mandatory grade assembly. Rabbi Aaron Frank, our beloved longtime principal, stepped in front of the grade, putting himself out there, in front of a sea of judgmental and overworked adolescents. In a solemn voice, this pillar of our community sternly shared the new policy that has been in the works for weeks. And apparently, the primary backer of this was none other than our very own President, Raymond Ashkenazie ‘24, as part of his “Promises made, promises neglected.” campaign (or whatever it’s called). Way to go, Raymond! Anyway, Rabbi Frank, much to the chagrin of the children, informed us of the brand new, fully revised “Makeup Policy.” Now, dear reader, of course, I could go into extreme detail, but why would I do that when it’s all in the amended Ramaz Student Handbook? Instead, I will briefly brush over the key and upsetting points drawn up in this new policy.

Before I begin, however, I just wanted to share the thoughts that ran through my mind on the contour of Rabbi Frank’s announcement. Think of the most terrible, horrible, dreadful rules Ramaz could have come up with concerning this issue. Rules like, “All products worn must have the Ramaz ‘R’ on them, and if they don’t, you must purchase new ones for $40.00 from the office, to fund your next Shabbaton” or “All students, boys and girls, must wear either nude or pink lipstick and black, brown, or clear mascara to maintain a tasteful look” or even, “All lip gloss and under-eye concealer is banned because our competitors do not believe how hard we are working, resulting in outlandish rumors of grade inflation. (Crazy, right?)” I was so concerned that our behavior had blemished Ramaz’s pristine complexion, and even more terrified that the consequences we’d face would be worse. Well, the good news is that I was right; the students have been behaving in a way that does indeed make Ramaz look bad and we will face consequences. Consequences that Rabbi Frank outlined in his speech (points off tests for each infraction, etc.). The bad news is that I completely missed the mark. Apparently, the assembly was about a “Makeup Policy”…. A brand-spanking-new Make-up TEST policy. How embarrassing.