Have you ever once wondered, dear Ramaz students, about the top-secret double lives our very own teachers lead? No, you probably have not. Based on how you treat our underpaid essential workers, your answers likely range from “What are you talking about? They don’t have lives. They’re not humans.” to “I thought they just lived here. Isn’t that why we aren’t allowed on the eighth floor?” But I digress. Yes, they indeed have lives outside this wretched prison building. They are not just lying about their commute to get out of davening (unlike some people). You may be wondering, dear reader, “Why is she rambling about this? Get to the point already.” Well, I shall. I intend to take you on a journey, nay, an odyssey, and tell you a tale of friendship, a legend of the lifestyle two of our educators partake in.
Our story starts off in the Paleolithic Era. the Neolithic Era. the late 20th century. A bright-eyed and bushy-tailed (and much younger) Dr. Steven Milowitz rolled up to Ramaz as the new English teacher, intending to mold eager learners into scholars of literature. Yet, for young Milo, it was lonely at the top of the teacher tower. He wished for a companion, a pal to understand him. His wish was answered in September 2006, when a tragically underpaid and handsome (seriously, with those genetics one could be a model) Mr. Deutsch (he does not have a first name) strutted into school. It was love at first sight. Well, for Milo at least. Mr. Deutsch claims otherwise, stating, “We had the same facial hair pattern at the time, and there was a certain territorialism at stake. But we gradually earned a grudging respect for one another which eventually blossomed into love.”
Regardless of how long it took, these office-mates (that is correct, they were and are office-mates) became the dynamic duo that we know today, dubbing themselves “besties for the resties.” And they have taken the “for the resties” part quite seriously indeed. They have stuck together through thick and thin (although mostly thick due to high cheese intake), braving the storms of students, parents, and higher-ups. Even when, Milo heavily contemplated leaving Ramaz, an event dubbed the “Almost Even Greater Schism of 2018” (pronounced “skism,” not “shism,” as Mr. Deutsch wanted me to emphasize), he stuck it out, staying for his best friend. Milo could not fathom the idea of leaving his comrade alone in the trenches. Literally, squad goals. So, how do Mr. Deutsch and Dr. Milowitz spend their time together? What does their friendship really look like? I shall now lift up the veil, dearly beloved, and reveal the behind-the-scenes secrets of our favorite teacher twosome.
Like any classical duo (George Washington and Marquis de Lafayette, Bill and Ted, etc.), Mr. Deutsch and Dr. Milowitz engage in whimsy, tasteful baudinage, and playful one-upmanship. They go out drinking together, dunk on the administration while drinking together, go to Comic Con together, eat cheese together, and smoke cigars together. Mr. Deutsch even puts on special puppet shows for Milo (after drinking together, of course). They occasionally come up with great ideas to solve the world’s problems (after drinking together. Their beverage of choice is mead straight out of a Viking drinking horn). Mr. Deutsch tells Dr. Milowitz all of the historical inaccuracies in Milo’s favorite historical fiction novels, and Milo returns the favor by pointing out the grammatical errors in Mr. Deutsch’s slides. It’s a very “give and take” relationship. They play Call of Duty every Sunday night, play with Mr. Deutsch’s Rick doll when they are supposed to be grading, and engage in countless shenanigans. It’s definitely going to be a John Adams-Thomas Jefferson situation when one of them finally leaves Ramaz. If one of them leaves in the morning, the other will be gone by the afternoon. They will not be able to survive Ramaz without each other (too fragile). Hopefully, that day is far in the future. For now, we should enjoy and learn from the beautiful friendship that we are lucky enough to see continue to unfold.
